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Wow
I'm home from the hospital and have lots to
tell and lots to catch up on!
So
on Thursday I went to the hospital to try inducing
again. Since they assumed my water broke, they
just started an IV of oxytocin and let me be.
I was still 1 cm dilated (AHHHHH!). The next
check after that was a few hours and guess what?
My water hadn't broke!!! It had just torn or
something the night before so they used their
magic hook thing and and GUSH! Water broke!
And I was amazed at how much water it was! So
I gushed all over the bed and they lifted me
up and changed the stuff under me and then the
second they put me down I gushed again.. same
story at least 3 times in total before I stopped
gushing. I didn't even bother wearing clothes
from the waist down anymore.
They
increased the IV stuff like every half hour
until it was at the max amount per hour. But
after they broke my water they reduced it to
see if my own body would take care of itself.
It didn't work too well so they increased the
dose again. By now contractions were hard to
deal with. (If only I had known how bad they
could get later!!!!!) I decided to not be so
brave anymore and ask for something to help
with the pain and they gave me nubaine. They
said it would work in 10 minutes but after about
10 SECONDS I was seeing stars! It didn't really
change anything but make me tired. Everyone
was happier to be around me after that.
Eventually
the shot wore off and I got another one but
this time it wasn't as effective at keeping
me calm. I mean I could always feel contractions
but they were less hard on my back which was
in agony. I was still only 2 cm dilated. It
just wasn't going well already. I felt like
everyone in the hospital had at some point offered
me an epidural. I had always said no because
I have heard so many bad things about it. I
was also afraid of how it would hurt on it's
own! Like putting it in. Finally I just screamed
at everyone that FINE I will take it if you
all just SHUT UP!
Turns
out they were in the right because the DR who
came to give me the epidural is now like, my
best friend!! It was just a gynecologist who
did it since it's hard to get the other people
to come do it. He was this nice older man with
white hair and I immediately liked him. He just
had this aura about him that made you trust
anything he says or does. I couldn't move into
the position he wanted and on top of that I
was terrified of the whole process so he just
PICKED me up and put me how he wanted me! The
whole time I was asking a million questions.
My big concern was when the needle goes in and
I startle will it make me paralyzed forever
or something? They never answered me! So I made
sure to stay very still and so did the 5 or
6 others around me but I still jumped a little.
It was ok. It didn't even hurt. The shot of
nubaine in my butt hurt MUCH MUCH worse. Anyone
who still wants to have kids after reading this,
you WANT an epidural! I PROMISE. I was so against
it before but now I wouldn't do it another way.
But no bother, because I'm never getting pregnant
again!!!!!
After
that I was just in heaven. Really, I was. I
still felt contractions and my legs, etc were
not numb. Only my back. But that is where the
contractions hurt the most was in my back, so
the relief was wonderful. I was even able to
sleep a little bit! Before the epidural I had
finally made it to 3cm. So it took almost a
whole day to go from 1 to 3 cm!! I had gone
in at 8am and was 1 and got the epidural maybe
at 8pm or something and was only 3? After the
epidural I went from 3cm to 6cm in NO TIME it
seemed! When it wore off they pushed more of
the drug in and then I was from 6 to 9 in no
time!
By
the time I was 9cm the drug was worn off pretty
much and it was around 10pm. They wouldn't give
me more since I was too far. I was just dying
there. I mean really DYING. I was about to just
give up on life, give me the gun and off myself.
I didn't care about anything anymore. It didn't
help that I loved the nurses, midwives, doctors
working on me at this point because they all
were off work at 11pm and I wasn't going to
have him by then they thought. I can't imagine
how anyone can still be nice to me after how
I acted from this point on. I mean I just completely
went off on everyone I think! I didn't want
ANYONE to touch me anymore either. Peter could
hold my hand but his other hand couldn't touch
me. I would slap his hand. Luckily everyone
understood this and took precautions.
Finally
it was 11pm and everyone I had come to know
left me. I had all new people. Most were older
women who looked like they came to abuse me
or something. I also had the dr that I swore
would never touch me again. She's very mean
and rough. Doesn't care about anyone! I was
making such a fuss by now and I had to push.
I mean REALLY had to push. There's no feeling
like this in the world. She checked me and I
wasn't ready yet. It was agony... I think she
let me stay in agony for 1 and half hours before
finally giving in to my demand for more epidural.
The only drawback was that I had to wait to
push even longer. I had said no because I wanted
it over with and she didn't care and pushed
it in. It did help though and she must have
just about overdosed me because I didn't remember
much anymore. I woke up I think an hour later?
Maybe a little less. I think when they came
in to check on me and woke me up that it really
upset Peter. Finally we all had a break and
they woke me (The Demon Woman) up.
They
said I could sleep some more or start pushing.
I said I'd sleep. It took me not long to figure
out that the drugs had pretty much worn off
and I was having my pushing craze again. I had
Peter call them back and everyone came in for
the big moment.
This
was so hard.. I had to put my legs up and pull
them back with my own hands while some old woman
on each side of me panted in my face telling
me how to breathe, how to do this and that,
etc. I really went off on the woman on my right.
I can't remember exactly but I think I may have
even physically assaulted her. She had it coming
though! Her face was less than an inch from
mine and she was RUBBING some body part of mine
and breathing on me how I should breathe. When
I 'politely' (haha) told her to stop, she didn't
listen and just tried to calm me and I noticed
she wasn't getting the hint. She knows better
now I think.
I
can't tell you in much detail about the rest
of the labor because I'm not so good at remembering
it all right now. I was still a little drugged,
in pain and I think I should have been committed
to the psych ward. I pushed a lot. I think this
was the only thing I did good. I pushed with
all my might like I had to go #2 since that
is the best way. And I didn't let go of the
push even when I had to stop to breathe. And
then I'd push some more. I do remember that
somehow it wasn't good enough though because
I wasn't getting the good feedback I wanted
from the staff.
I
did make sure to tell Peter to get the video
camera to film or have mom film because eventually
I'd want to see my own labor. Mom was filming
and the dr made her quit! I was really mad!
I
don't know how long this went on with pushing
but at one point the dr decided that she'd take
matters into her own hands. She said she HAD
to use the vaccuum. My mind just jumped. Did
that mean an episiotomy? Yep, it did. I just
layed there crying and screaming. This wasn't
how I wanted things to be! I didn't get to have
him at home, naturally, I had drugs like 5 times,
I didn't want to have to push on my back or
hold my legs, and now these 2 things. I was
going to quit. Not to mention how mad I suddenly
became with the baby. I did blame him for everything
at this point. And so it seemed I had no choice
about these latest things so I just gave up.
I didn't care how he got out of me anymore but
he better go soon!
No
one informed me of anything they were doing
anymore. I was only told when to push and when
not to and nothing more. Peter says that they
put the vac on the baby's head and had me push
and then they injected something to numb me.
After that, I was cut. I did know when I was
cut because it really did feel like scissors
cutting me there! Just not painful? I remember
looking RIGHT into Peter's face and being sad
or upset.
The
rest is the blurriest since I didn't know anything
anymore and my brain was on vacation. I must
have pushed for awhile more and then his head
was out because I did get feedback from Peter
that he was almost here! I really wish someone
had let me feel his head or something at this
part because it might have helped me mentally.
I was just told how to push again and not to
quit which I didn't. The pain is undescribable.
I promise. Even though they had numbed me and
I was drugged, I still experienced the worst
pain of my life when his shoulders came out.
I can only imagine how it would have felt without
those things.
He
was finally out! I had him on my chest and he
wasn't crying. I didn't even believe he was
mine. Nothing can prepare you for this. I just
didn't think I'd ever get a baby I guess! Or
that he'd be some green alien. I don't remember
thinking he was large but everyone in the room
was talking about how huge he was.
I
had about 10 seconds to see him. I didn't even
see his face before he was taken from me. I
screamed and made a HUGE fuss then. I just was
holding my arms out and begging for him back.
Peter went with him and they were gone. He had
to go because they weren't sure if he had dislocated
his shoulder.
I
was laying there, a bloody mess (They certainly
leave stuff off those birth shows on tv!!!).
I was pretty much alone. I can't remember if
mom was there but if so, she was in the back.
No one held my hand anymore. No one seemed to
care. Now was the best part (not). The placenta.
AFter the whole thing you'd think the placenta
would be a piece of cake eh? It was harder than
pushing the baby out I think! They had given
me a shot to make it detach from my uterus but
it took a long time to work. They kept pushing
on my tummy and it made me scream and cry it
hurt so bad. And then they told me to push!
Nothing happened for the 10 or so times they
tried this. I was so mad!
The
dr had to actually get my wonderful epidural
man to come get it out. He did. He was so much
nicer and I wish he had delivered my baby! :(
The placenta was very gross. I can't believe
that was inside me.. and how the heck did the
baby LIVE in there? It was so disgusting!!!!
Even so I was sane enough to ask Peter to make
pictures of me 'down there' since I was curious
of how it looked. He made some I think but I
don't remember if I saw them right away.
They
brought the baby back so I could see him again
and to tell me that I can't keep him with me.
He had to go to the special baby unit 12 floors
away! It was really hard but I had to say goodbye
again. Peter went with him I think and maybe
mom went too?
I
was alone again. This was also a fun part. Stitches.
The dr that I hated was still working on me.
She did the stitches while some of the youmger
people watched. SHe was teaching them I guess.
I was asking a ton of questions and I could
also feel the stitches!! I told her and she
basically called me a liar and said the epidural
was still working. I think I know what I can
and can't feel!!! I had to suffer.
When
she was about done, Peter was back. Now this
is the mean part. The dr asked PETER to look
at the stitches and tell her if HE was satisfied
with them. Erm, why not show me and ask me?
So it's all about the man and his future experiences
with me? What about me? I made my opinion known!!
I
was done and they cleaned me some more. Over
2 hours had passed since the baby was born (He
was born at 2:21am Netherlands time on Friday.
They said I could go take a shower if I wanted
to and I did but I was hungry. First I had some
pudding that mom brought me from the USA (Gotta
love Snack Packs!). Then I was ready. I sat
up and they took the epidural stuff out of my
back and then I was thinking about passing out.
They actually asked if I felt faint and I lied.
I wanted a shower so bad!! Well my lie didn't
go unnoticed. I was about to stand up and HIT
the bed.
Well
that was enough to guarantee that I stayed in
bed and nothing else! Peter was allowed to just
clean me in bed. He did that and they put me
on a new bed and took me to see Sebastian, bed
and all. It was weird to see him in a room with
all the preemies!! He was a big boy but not
fat at all. He was just heavy. 8 and a half
pounds in this country, and 9 and a half in
the USA. Don't ask me how he came out of me!!
I mean I gained the bare minimum of weight for
pregnancy! He had to have taken anything extra
I had in there!
I
didn't think I'd have a hard time bonding with
him before having him, but I did. I didn't get
to hold him much after he was born and now I
go up to his part of the room and held him and
he didn't want me. He didn't know who I was
I think! He wanted his daddy more. I was crushed
and had no trouble just leaving him there. I
think I didn't even care. It was weird because
I kept missing him but once I had him, I didn't
want to be there anymore.
So
he had to stay there for over 24 hours. I went
to a room and had a roommate. She had a c section
and her baby was also in the special area.
It
was hard to sleep since they kept waking me
up. They told me I should go to the bathroom
and the nurse took me and I made her wait outside
and I fainted in there too. I woke up with 3
or 4 nurses wiping me up off the floor! It was
scary! I hated staying in bed only and wasn't
allowed to do anything!
I
hated the food, my roommate, being alone, having
to go up to see the baby in a bed, etc. I just
wanted to go home but couldn't. Peter was always
visiting and so was mom but when it was around
10pm or so I was alone and it was hard. The
last night I got to have Sebastian finally!
We have bonded since the time I said it was
hard. I had him alone to feed him later that
first day and I had him on my chest and he heard
my heart and my voice and finally didn't want
to leave me. We're ok now!!
I
have still been dizzy and faint the whole time
since having him and my blood pressure has been
really low but the dr agreed that being home
will do me good. I get to take iron pills for
6 weeks now.
So
now we're home!! We've had some problems arise
already just since I started typing this! It
was time for the baby to eat and thankfully
I got 3 different types of bottles because 2
of them he couldn't use! The flow of formula
was very fast and was almost choking him! I
got the newborn nipples but I guess they lied?
The cheapest bottles that aren't special, from
WalMart are the ones he can use, go figure.
The nice expensive fancy ones are now garbage!
He also needed to be changed and he peed on
me 2 times in the process! We all thought he
was such a good quiet baby but he certainly
has protested everything since he got here!
Peter
is such a great daddy. I thought he'd want me
to do everything but it's almost like he's possessive!
It's very cute! I can tell that he couldn't
think of anything better to do than hold Sebastian
or stare at him. Right now Sebastian is watching
his first Formula 1 racing with his daddy. I'm
really happy that Peter just caught onto everything
so fast... he's very good at it too. It is funny
though that Peter does pause enough to let me
change his diapers.. hmmmmm I might have to
protest that soon. I don't want the baby to
think I'm the bad person and daddy is the fun
one!!
We
had another problem arise. Peter went to register
the baby at the community here and it turns
out that he can't be American and Dutch yet.
We have to go to the embassy first. I'll make
sure we do that ASAP of course. Since he's Dutch
only right now, I really have no rights to him!
If I wanted to leave the country, I couldn't
take him with me. We'll fix that though. Maybe
we can this week even since I'm already much
better feeling.
My
tummy feels so weird! It's like Jello! It's
also smaller than it was before I got pregnant
I think! Once I'm able to exercise and tone
it, I think I'll look great! Still have the
stretch marks though.
Thanks
for reading and for all the emails and messages!
It was nice to come home to all of that! I still
would like to remind anyone who hasn't had a
baby yet, to really think about it. I thought
it'd be no big deal but I promise you I will
never do it again and maybe wouldn't even do
it over. It was the worst pain in my life. I
will never fear another medical procedure as
long as I live!
Hugs
to all,
Laura
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