December 6, 2002: 19 weeks

Wow. What a morning! Today was my monthly DR visit. I'm 19 weeks now. I should start at the beginning.

I already felt bad waking up. I had pain all over in my tummy and back and was really tired and very nauseous. Had breakfast and went to the DR. We did the weight and blood pressure thing. I gained 0.9 kg which is about 2 lbs. Finally something! Blood pressure was 125/80. It wasn't the regular nurse I get either. Someone new who didn't speak English to me. And she went and made Peter come in and I got mad. This part is for me alone. I got Peter to leave. We do everything together and I can manage to be weighed on my own thank you.

Next we wait our turn for the dr. I am about falling asleep when he calls my name. Peter and I go in. DR looks at us like everything is up to us! Finally we explained we had a 3D ultrasound a month ago and show him pictures. Not one once of excitement for us. Just a reminder of how unnecessary ultrasounds are. We told him we're getting another in January and he's appalled. Once again he talks about his kids and how things were for them. I don't want to hear about his kids when he has no interest in mine.

So he examines my tummy which was the first time ever that he touched me. He has never ever examined me in the 'female' sense. I think it's weird. Not that I want to have one of those exams but if it's what's best for the baby, I want it. So he only pushed my tummy a little on the outside and then let us hear the heartbeat. One cool thing was we could hear the baby kicking! Very neat thing!

Then that was done and he basically pushed us out the door. We stopped him. Peter said that we have some questions. So he kinda gave a LOOK and then asked what they were. We want to go over the whole labor issue. It might seem too soon but I had a feeling that the sooner we find this stuff out, the better. He admitted that he won't deliver our baby. When we'd go to the hospital some DR or midwife or student would. He said he doesn't have time to deliver babies. Why is he an OB then? So I'm over that for a few minutes and then ask about tearing Vs episiotomy (DR cutting you down there). I don't want the epis. I would rather tear. Some argue that it's cleaner and heals better to do it, but I've read the cons of it online and in books. I listen to others who have had both and what they liked and didn't like about it. For me, I don't want it unless it's 100% needed. DR says I don't have a choice. Everything is up to the Drs. and I should trust them. How can I trust a stranger? Then I mention how I don't want drugs but that if for some reason I change my mind later, what are my options? He admits that the baby can have bad effects from the drugs but that I should be selfish and have them if I want. No, I want an alert baby to hold right away. So he kinda shoved that issue under the table. I made him mark in my file no episiotomy and no drugs. I also don't want forceps or a vacuum to be used. He didn't listen to that at all. I could tell he didn't like my demands but I think these are my choices and I should have them respected. I know that in the US you make a birth plan and discuss it with your DR or midwife. I know some of my 'demands' might seem stupid but they can be discussed and altered if necessary. I've never had a baby. I don't know how I will feel when it happens. I do know that it's important for me to think about these things early though. If I wait until I'm in pain my state of mind will be altered. I want to look back on the experience and smile and not cry.

So the DR managed to get me crying which is fairly easy if you know who I am in person. I seem really rough and tough but I'm really not. I'm very sensitive and something like this is the end of the world to me. I dream about my baby and it's birth often and I don't think my requests are stupid.

We were done then with the dr. We made our next appointment for Jan 9th. I went to the lab area, peed in my cup and we left. I cried almost constantly. Peter held me and let me cry but didn't say much and I really wanted him to. I need to hear reassurance that I'm right. He mostly agreed when I asked him but he seemed very confused. I suppose this is all different for a man. We drove home and the whole time I was talking and letting everything out.

So we got home and I instantly needed to talk to someone. I was tempted to wake my mom up (would be like 3am for her). I instead saw a friend online to talk to. She's from Poland. So I was able to let some of it out to her and she was very understanding. I calmed down some. Then Peter comes up here and tells me he found a midwife for me. This way the same people see you at checkups and the same people go to the hospital with you and I'm sure they know more about how women feel emotionally, etc. So We are firing our DR. We have an appointment before we go to the USA for vacation with them. Then we go every month and in the last months we go every 2 weeks and then every week. I'm sure they can give advice on how not to tear or need an episiotomy. I'm sure they know the easiest way to push a baby out. I already know that laying on your back is the hardest way.

So hopefully things will be better now. Peter had a long talk with the lady on the phone and said she seemed great. It's a group of 3 women and we see all 3. So by the time I have the baby, I will know the person working on me there. When you go into labor they come to your house for awhile and when it's time to go to the hospital everyone goes together. After the baby is born, there is a nurse type service. A lady comes to the house for 3 hours a day to help with the baby and do checkups, take blood, etc. We could have them for 8 hours a day but I told Peter I don't want help with the baby at all. They can do their medical stuff and leave. I don't want to feel like I need to entertain. It's too bad this is a required thing here or I'd opt not to have them come at all. I see the benefits for most. If you need some sleep you have someone to watch the baby. For me, I've been there. Brittney was like my child when she lived with us. She slept in my room. I woke up to feed her and take care of her. I still had to go to school as well! So now you know why she's so close to me!

I am done recounting this experience! I'll be going to Belgium now to buy magazines and hope I don't throw up. Seems any time I'm in Belgium I have to throw up. That sounds bad doesn't it?

On a lighter note, mom's package made it here a few days ago and I finally have my maternity clothes. Most are way too big for now but I'm still wearing them since they are comfy!

Talk to you all soon!